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All the news that is fit to wrap Fish! Proudly misleading everyone since before you were born   

This issue is our Sixth give or take.
This issue is dedicated to General News delivered from the wrong end of the century.

Sections will follow as more content is added...

Mortgage Meltdown and It's a Wonderful Life

Financial Pages including an analysis of the donut market


Earlier Editions

Errors on a G string

Errors on a G string.
Surprisingly, this is potentially a rich subject.

Observation has shown that much of the commerce related to women is centered around the sale of goo for various purposes the 'g' can be considered to be very basic in communication with the gender. The 'g' may be considered possibly symbolic of goo.

Among women there are healing goo's, makeup goo's, edible goo's, even diet goo. Ice cream rapidly returns to its goo state and so, 'Chunky Monkey' qualifies. Shoes are proven desirable and thus there are shoe goo's – for both repair and decoration.

Now, there comes the G-string. I recently learned the words 'muffin top' this is a stomach 'cankle' for women trying to squeeze into so called 'skinny jeans.' In the interest of accuracy, skinny jeans are jeans which are too tight for someone who is or has become primarily pear shaped.

Cankles are rolls of fat rendering ankles indistinguishable from calves. I first observed that phenomenon in a bar and was amazed to observe fat drooping over the straps of a woman's sandals. I am afraid that image is burnt into my memory and is unpleasant enough to have somehow rendered itself indelible.

Muffin tops and G-strings should be maintained at sufficient distance so as to never form such a picture for myself or others. What you do in the privacy of your home, with drawn curtains – preferably of the 'black out' sort used in London during the blitz - should be your business but such misuse of G-strings should never be allowed in any public thoroughfare or forum.

While these are errors on a G-string, there is an actual point to all of this. I was reading recently that there are several “inventions” for marketing purposes of the De Beers corporation which color our lives.

There is the 'tradition' that one should spend two month's salary on an engagement ring. This reportedly had its origins in 1938 in the De Beers ad agency boardroom and much like the employee suggestion to include a single word in the instructions on shampoo (You know, the goo we put in our hair to remove oil and other goo's we have put into it in hopes of meeting that significant other.) The word included in the instructions was “Repeat.” Yet now we all know “Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”

While those of us who sport a Yul Brinner/Telly Savalas/Ving Rhames/Arnold Vosloo* hair-do don't pay much attention, some of us not so follicle impaired buy into this. Of course, Yul through Arnold have a bit more disposable income, having saved on shampoo all these years – but I am wandering a bit.

French history

continued from previous-

The other invented tradition was that of giving a diamond at all! There is a recent diamond campaign using Airs on a G-string, very civilized music. So, blame the De Beers, blame their Philadelphia advertising agency, blame yourself for buying into it.
It is drummed in so deep that she can go all 'Emily Postal' over you for breaking the 'traditions of politeness' if you don't buy one.

Not being all that bright the men buy into it. I can see the man reasoning:
Let's see, I am man. Me like tools. Diamonds can cut glass. That useful. Maybe wife-to be will take hint if I give her a big pretty glass cutter then she can get me things in the local hardware store...
Nope, another necktie.
Me try giving g-string, next time. See what happen.
* Yul Brinner – Most famous of bald actors. Telly Savalas – fairly famous bald actor – Kelly's Heroes and Kojak. Ving Rhames – black, bald and starred in the remake of Kojak, possibly owing to Savalas being dead and all but who knows? Arnold Vosloo? Watch the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies, see if you can figure it out.
Thoughts of The Moment:
Banana Peppers taste nothing like bananas, and very little like peppers. It's almost a sort of robbery that they can market them as such (meaning, 'either'). Remember this when planting this Spring.


Please, someone tell my why it is that some ideas only make sense when you stand drunk and naked in the Living Room, singing them at the top of your lungs.

Neighbors have no appreciation for art? ...


I was checking for more holidays. This is on account of the weather and I was thinking if I had something to celebrate the snow might not depress me. The other day was National Pound Cake Day.

Don't have the foggiest notion of why we might need a day for this but I only have my toe in the water. It is getting way deeper before I stop typing.

So I went about looking 'round the house for some cake to pound.

I got thinking and what a peculiar pastime this would be and how a fella would have to have very little in his mind and even less to do to find joy in it. Failing to find a cake, I wondered if "Let them beat bread" could be teased out of some French aristocracy.

I dropped all that today because I was marshaling my personalities for the parade. Yes, long awaited, there is a convergence of unofficial days of celebration. National Multiple Personality Day falls on National Absinthe Day. I cannot decide whether to go and introduce my indecisive self to the little circuit that keeps "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" going just above my left ear or to get 'em both drunk and running footraces down to the bait store to buy bread for some obsessive personality to pound


Now they say I need 5 cups of coffee a day... And the other doc says a glass or two of wine and 8 glasses of water. How am I to fit in any beer?

A short story from Nick - Youth oriented!

Everyone is afraid of something.

I am a little afraid of the little scotty dog that sneaks around the house late at night. No one has ever seen it but I know I have heard it scratching at doors and its claws clicking on hardwood floors when it thinks we are all asleep.

This is Nick again. I wrote some other stories too and I hope you are a repeat reader. That way I don't have to tell you about my mom and dad and kid brother again. I wrote about my guess that dad had said a rude word.

I am not the best writer in the world and I hate to write thank you notes at Christmas because my Grandma would always complain if I didn't write before the end of the year. And I knew my birthday was coming in January and then I would have to write twice. If I can put it off long enough I get two thank you letters out of one.

I think every one has secrets too. I never told anyone about the scotty dog. Parents don't believe in things they cannot see. But just because you don't see something doesn't mean it isn't there. My science teacher. Mr. Huber taught me that. He also taught us that the room was full of air. So, I guess walking around is kind of like swimming through air. He also taught us that rocks are frozen elements and that they just don't melt at the same temperature as snow. Makes me kind of glad. I would probably hate a nice warm glass of rock for a drink.

I don't think he planned on teaching me what I learned the way I wrote it in the first part up there but I also think we learn the way we learn.

The lesson can be about like one thing but I think ideas can, like, make combinations by crashing into each other.

I worry sometimes about the things I don't see. I think we should. I know when the English teacher got us to read about Sherlock Holmes, he was seeing things that other people missed. That is similar but I couldn't help thinking that if he missed one thing and he assumed he had seen everything then his logic would not really work. I mean “after you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains has to be the answer” doesn't work if you missed something. Does it?

I really do have a fear besides the dog. This may bother you or maybe you will think I am strange. Maybe you have the same fear. I can't help it. Everytime I see this thing I get shivers. I can't help the thoughts and I just want to look away. I know a lot of adults agree but I don't know if they see the same thing as I do or they have their own reasons.

Listen closely. I don't want to risk even saying its name. It is kind of a Voldemort thing,

I am speaking of the fat purple dinosaur. 
It sings. 
I don't think it got that fat on vegetables.

I am pretty sure that kids have been invited to lunch with Barney.

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